falling off the wagon - exposing my embarrassment & being vulnerable
The past year has been an incredible struggle for me in my health & wellness journey.
In full disclosure, I'm embarrassed at how far I've let myself slide into old habits. For most of the year I was either recovering from an anxiety attack or making big career decisions(deciding to let go of coaching or fully relaunch my photography business).
Yesterday (October 17th), I looked in the mirror and for the first time in a very long time I didn't like what I saw. I saw a girl who was falling back into her old habits, making excuses, and failing to want to put in the effort. The reflection staring back at me was the old Amanda (the 220 pound, Amanda) the one who was in denial about her weight and health, the one who ate whatever she wanted without a care, and the one who gave everything to everyone but herself.
As I sat in the chair at the hair salon yesterday, I saw her (the old Amanda) and she whispered to me… this is your WAKE UP CALL, don’t waste it.
Part of me wanted to say it’s all or nothing, but that’s not my current reality. My current reality is rebuilding a business, working part-time (with full-time hours), managing a household, trying to be a good wife & daughter. So, I have to figure out whatever this “new normal” is. Does it mean I am working out 5 days a week one week and maybe only 3 times the following? Am I following a strict eating plan or one that gives me a little freedom? Those are things that I haven’t figured out, but one thing is certain - any more of what I have been doing is unacceptable. I’ve come to far to only come this far and when I step on the scale the number blaring out me breaks my heart because I feel like I’ve let myself down.
I keep hearing that voice saying… get up, get off the floor, you got this.